Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Randomize
