I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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