ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
