I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My penis needs a shock collar
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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