____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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