Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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