also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
and she was petting her beer can
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I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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