i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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