she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
