1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
