I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
