ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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