Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
