Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
