Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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