i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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