it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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