Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
