god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
