Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
