dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
