Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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