some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize