Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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