My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
