i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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