I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
