took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
