you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
