Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
