I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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