3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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