I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
