It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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