Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
