Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
