I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
