i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
