i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
