shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
