problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
