I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
