i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
