Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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