I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
