im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
