she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void