Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
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I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian