My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I got inside last night via doggy door
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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