3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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