When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
