Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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