Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
