I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
