Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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