considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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