Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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