he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Are we still banned from the library?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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