Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
