dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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